Single. Married. Unmarried.

Single and married are identifiers. Unmarried is NOT.

Disclaimer: I wrote this with a sound mind. If I disclosed something, it is because I wanted you to read it.

From the time of birth, we do everything we can to survive life. It begins with learning all the basics like movements, and one or several languages for communication. These are innate progress- meaning it naturally occurs. Eventually we go to kinder-garden and then school which opens us to the world of possibilities. The people we will go on to become. It's also the first place you start interacting with people that are not your own family. But how many of us have taken courses on relationships? Friendships or otherwise? The only thing we can learn from is experience. Relationships - both friendships and partnerships- occur naturally in several cases. Some stay, many break with time. The flavor of these two relationships are different and so are the requirements with some common core values that match. Like most people, I have quite a few I call friends, fewer that are good friends and even fewer that are close friends.

One of the biggest realizations for me in my late 20s was that I never gave importance to the formation of a stable partnership. I am not necessarily ashamed of it because my time was consumed in other means.. mostly a career. Which is normal in the 20s.

I did not find the clichés of romance romantic. Not a French accent. And certainly not a red rose.

After a few tumbles in life, a few years ago I set out to find if there is someone I would like to spend my life with using traditional matrimony websites that are popular in India or among the Indian diaspora worldwide. It started with me being the least interested in it and the family had the most control. For my western friends, yes, it is in every way different than a dating website but operates on a similar principle. There need not be a debate about which one is better.

We as a family quickly learnt that there are communities within these websites with zillions of expectations and preferences. We also had ours. Caste, which is the most common segregation of all was out of the window pretty early on. Horoscope was ignored. We gave a strong preference to the Tamil community, education and preferred someone who is already abroad. With these preferences we were already down to about 20% of possible profiles. Now you can image what other parameters such as height, location, eating preferences, "do I like him when I see him" all of that will reduce that to. We are looking at about 2%. This 2% can be divided into another 98% and 2%.

The ninety-eight percent

While it seems very exclusive, everyone narrows down to these 2% is just about a few days of this process. So why does it take only a few days for some but for years for others to find someone? Well, there is the Universe.

The Universe in this post will be defined by the abstract way of how things work in this world which is unexplainable but certainly possibilities of luck and other uncontrollable factors that make our life ours.

I spoke with several men in the last four years over a call and in just about two calls I or they could say that this will not be a match. This was about 98% of the 2%. This took time and a lot of effort. Looking back I do not feel that as a waste of time but an opportunity to disentangle some thoughts in my mind. For example, a lot of correlates I thought is true was not anymore. Education and open-mindedness as well as politeness and control. I met very accomplished men who preferred a very educated "yes-sayer" as a partner. Very educated men who tried every harder to be open-minded but failed miserably. Successful men whose ego was hurt only by successful women. Men who preferred to earn a lot to build a family where women can take care of their mothers. Every single one was different and unique. I respected their needs every single time. So I politely said no. Some men respectfully turned me down too and others ghosted me. It was all a game.

The desperate phase

After spending months talking to different men once in a while, it started to become years. My two percent came only in the later half. I learnt a lot about my own preferences and my hard and soft rules during this process. The more I knew myself, the more I could find out if someone would be a good fit. There were periods of shut down because I was busy with something else in life or truly believed that there is no hope in this world. There are companies such as "Corporate Marriage Bureau" who contact people with accomplished profiles in LinkedIn asking if they are looking for a match and offer to help with their exclusive clientele. They cater mainly to the exclusive rich Indian-American diaspora where the earnings are in six-digits. While we did not seek out for rich families we certainly hoped that well educated men will be open to a conversation. That was my main requirement. A self-inspired man who can have an open-minded conversation about anything. We quickly realized these companies are money mongers and never managed to get anything meaningful out of it. We also realized that well-read men are busy making their six-figures and therefore the parents spend all the time to vet their partner. This drew me away. When I did speak to some guys, one with several accolades and accomplishments- he consumed a 35-minute call with 30 minutes of talking about himself. Hope was hanging by a thread.

The two percent

Coming back to this two percent. It was over two years of looking rather seriously, on and off with the entire family pitching in for profiles. We had a separate WhatsApp group to separate the clutter. The group profile picture was of me- bouldering- you can imagine the pun. This two percent for me comprised for guys whom I could talk to more than once and guys whom I spoke to once because I found them cute ;) I am so glad that most of these did not work out because it would not have. Never in the long run. So it was a good call to have them all eliminated early. That's one thing I found myself lucky to have had through these years of endless "phone-dating"- I never spent too much time on anyone who would not have been remotely suitable for me. I feel like the Universe has been on my side although it certainly did not feel like that during those times. Finally after several years, I talked to a guy for a couple of months and as much as I tried to make it work, the cells and nerves of my body rejected the idea. There was something that I never knew but my sub-conscious did- as a product of our interactions. There are certain hard rules that you never compromise on. But there are a lot more of gray areas. As the days went by I was taking one step back at a time. For many reasons. Elders in the family always said that it is not right for a man and woman to talk a lot before marriage because the enigma is lost (thoughts from the old times, calm down guys! ;)). I've always disagreed with the statement as I only hoped that my love will grow stronger for and with the person I wanted to spend my life with. I battled thoughts about how I should feel about my partner because I have never felt that truly before. The only thing I knew was this was not that. And so it ended there. It was a sign of relief and that time coupled with a feeling of playing a long game where I finally reached the last level but failed and had to start from the beginning. It was tough. I had to move on because one thing I knew for sure was that I would like to find a partner but certainly not a wrong one. Two more guys came close after that- Cute Guy 1 and Cute Guy 2. These were the ones I found cute but they were absolutely not my type and it did not work out. Thanks Universe!

New Year 2022. After a very good Chinese meal.

Is there a right one?

I think about four years had passed since we started talking about this subject- Matrimony. Several famous Netflix series got me brushing through my experiences once in a while during this time. Bridgerton. The Indian Matchmaking. They were fun series but sometimes reminded me of some personal experiences. Brought back some frustrations. Throughout all of this time two strong forces kept me in place. 1) Family & friends: my closest circle were the ones throughout this entire process. None of them judged me for my choices in this process. A few were even proud. They tried to help me in the process. Suggested options such as maybe Indian guys don't work and you should look for Europeans, there are many. They were not wrong as I was in Europe. I had become European in several ways- my thoughts and actions. It was sometimes difficult to fit into the customs and often patriarchal systems of the east. For some indian families, I was a woman who studied too much. I just did not fit in. However, my strong sense of culture prevented me from opening up to dating Europeans. I felt my future has to be close to my Tamil culture. Maybe I would have given up this criteria in time. But for now, I need it. This was probably also why this process was becoming and endless fruitless search. The second force was my thought that if I do this, I would do it right. Else I would not do it at all. I was aging. In the eyes of everyone and sometimes also myself. There was fear that it will be too late or maybe it already is (I know my European friends would laugh at this but if you are from my society, you would understand). Amidst all those nights when I laid in bed wondering where will all of these experiences take me not once have I questioned about doing this just because I should- as a checklist.

I always knew with great certainty what I do not want than what I do. From my profession to my life.

That's why it was easier for me to eliminate choices. But there came a point where I started to question what if I was very good at giving reason and eliminating that I will never realize if something is good for me? I thought it. I'm sure my parents and friends thought it too even though they never said it. Several others though it. I received the most famous advice, "you need to adjust!". Sure. But about what? There were endless questions. Is there really a right one?

"It is easier to believe when things eventually happen!"

A lot of people give advice based on their own experience. What they do not take into account is that it is different for someone else. I always prefer to factor this in. I tell people I believe in miracles because a few that I truly consider miracles have happened in my life. But I quickly follow that statement by saying that you need to work very hard and put your heart and soul into it if you really want something. You will then eventually get something, maybe different from what you wanted in the first place, but that would be even better than you once imagined. It happened to me nine years ago- an opportunity by which I moved to the Netherlands for studying (I wrote about it here). I sat on my bed several nights wondering, what should I do? Should I be doing something differently? If yes, like what? No answers. I decided I will keep doing what I am and when something is right it will hit me. These were the good days. The bad days were just about curling in bed going down the rabbit hole of thoughts. I was working out a lot during this phase to feel in control. A lot of cardio. When cute Guy 2 rejected me (rightfully!) I felt loss. My rational brain knew I was super dramatic because I knew this guys for just 2 weeks. I joked with friends how I feel this as a dramatic heart break. I felt a lot but I never cried. When it ended and I was feeling completely lost, I called my inner circle. As and when I was unwinding my thoughts about this process, which by now was over four years, and this guy I felt a pain like I have never felt before. Tears rolled and I remember uttering the words for the first time.

"I feel lonely!"

I have never said it before. I never even knew I was feeling it until I said it out loud. Probably why I wanted it to work with guys I knew were never right for me. I have always been the happiest cheerleader for everyone around because they rightfully deserve so but for once, I wanted a story for myself. The inner circle advised- you know what will help with the pain? You get up, you keep scrolling and you keep looking.

The Universe

To ignore the pain, I walked up to my iPad that was charging. I reopened this website now for a zillionth time. It was very weird to be going back to something that had brought only failures for the past years but this time hoping that something new will happen. There were some new messages. On top there was one. For the first time, of over a hundred messages, there was someone who took time to write and introduce himself. I scanned through pictures. He had a nice smile. I did not overthink this time. I liked the personal introduction (and of course the smile) so I wrote back.

First call: He had a French accent. First date: He brought me a red rose.

What can I say? Universe?

Through all seasons!

Miracles happen for those who wait for it,

Swetha, not single anymore.

P.S: Do not marry someone just for their accent or for the flowers. Look for everything in-between and then even more ;) Fall in love.