Going home for vacation has always been one of my favorite things due to two main reasons: family and food. Although one would assume that the trip would be like a trip to heaven where everything is ideal and satisfactory, reality is a little bit far from this. Being a NRI (non-resident Indian) for almost 7 years now has increasingly changed my perspective of the society I grew up in. I’m not willing to argue for what’s right or wrong, but I think it’s important to realize the different biases that exist. To notice them, to think about them and if right, to change them is ones own responsibility.
Over the last three weeks I noticed several of these biases.
Extremely friendly strangers
I exited the airport in Chennai and was waiting in the pavement outside Arrivals for my parents to pick me up. Several auto and taxi drivers passed by asking if they could take me home and I explained to them that I already have a ride. As the time passed by, I noticed that people whom I turned down came back again to ask if I had changed my mind. Some more even suggested that they are a better option compared to my own plans. And there I was, just 45 minutes after landing in the mother country... trying to have a tone to shoo away people who wanted to help a lot. My dad often asks me why I end up talking to so many of these strangers. Little does he know that as a girl/ woman you are bombarded with options from these 'extremely' friendly people to a point that one has to be rude. Whose fault is it? It will always be mine.
A seat at the table
Another crazy determinant where women almost always pull back is getting a seat at the table. Ah, not the metaphor.. because that is as much true, but also just at the breakfast, lunch or dinner table. When a guest visits home, due to hospitality and the necessity to serve hot food, the person who cooks in the household usually serves up dosas or idlis or chappathis right from the stove to the plate. This also means that the cook cannot eat with the guest(s) but has to eat later, sometimes alone. I never saw an easy alternative to this at that time and infact also prefer the serving-hot-food over eating at the table when someone visits. However, spending several years in other countries also taught me that there are other polite ways of behavior for the people at the table. Most often the guest ends up sitting longer after their meal to accommodate the eating time of the one who served them. Seems fair. Unfortunately this never happens at home. Not when a guest arrives and even worse, not when the non-cooks of the house eat their meals every day. Unfortunately the gender of household cooks is very skewed towards one, that it has with time become an issue that men get a seat at the table first (also as a metaphor!). However, during this vacation, I always got a seat first with my uncles and cousin brothers for meals as my mom, aunts and grandma looked over our plates. Lucky? Errr, no. During a casual discussion my sister pointed out the blatant truth.
"You got a seat at the table first because you are unmarried"
The common profession
Now it gets interesting... I made a trip to the bank with my dad to obtain some services for which we were given a form to fill. We filled out most of it and had unfortunately overlooked two fields. Phone number and profession. The middle-aged woman who was taking care of the process was not very pleased and quickly asked for my phone number for which I had a good answer. Then she moved on and asked for my profession, followed by a quick guess: 'Housewife'. A guess that felt like it would always work. With surprise I looked at my dad and stammered a bit before uttering the word 'Researcher'. The stuttering was more because I was always used to replying to such a question with the answer 'PhD student' and that day was different as I had obtained my degree just a few weeks before and was now working as a Postdoctoral Fellow. The lady looked up at me with a confused reaction and stuttered back asking me to write it myself. As we finished up all the procedures and walked out of the bank, I tried to rationalize her judgement as to what might have given her the idea. First, I was with my dad... Second, the account was for me.
Thinking about my paycheck, I told myself... Well, I must be a very expensive housewife!
Who gets the bill?
I grew up in a household where my dad was the bread-winner. He had cash, credit cards and therefore, priority. Of the zillions of restaurants we had been to, all of them always gave the final bill to my dad. I saw absolutely no fault in it as he was also the one who ALWAYS paid the bills. I must mention here that we are a family of four with three women and my dad. Kudos to the amazingly insightful waiters and waitresses we saw over the years who knew that my mom was not making money. Me and my sister? Well, we could say that we were young. But now I see this societal bias up close. I see it as a bias because I would like to have the choice to pay for dinner. I wonder if someone would just leave the bill in the middle of the table for the decision to be made after in contrast to handing it over to the only male person in the table. Unfortunately this is not just a woman's issue, but it is also extremely unfair as the wrong person gets to decide who pays.
These are a few examples. There were many many more. Little things, big things. As and when you become independent in life and your roles change, it is difficult for the family and society to accept such changes. More so when you are a woman. Family does... eventually. But society? How many of us notice such biases? I point them out to my community. But does everyone talk about these differences? Or is asking to do so asking too much? Time will have to answer.
Odd one, out,
Swetha Ananth aka an expensive housewife
Keen observation, enjoyed reading this, keep sharing.