Getting back to writing after a (very) long time feels a little like going back to an old book that I once remember enjoying. After having spent more than three hours in re-formatting my CV, I thought maybe it’s time that I put my thoughts from the last week into words.
We all go through different phases in life in terms of career, personal life and our social interaction with people around us. Some how all three are interconnected in terms of overshadowing its effects on our mood. Let’s take a two year timeline now from our early 20s. This is a significant amount of time considering that we are in the exponential phase of life’s growth. Be it random combinations of weddings and having a baby, next career step and a break up, moving to another country and losing touch with an old friend or even seeing the world so differently that you cannot relate to the people you once knew anymore. Yes, all this can happen in two years. While some amazing things happen to make us not realize that time is passing by, there are always the valleys that make us think who we really are.
After finishing a six-year long study, I can only imagine that one would want to be far away from the University as possible and not think about lectures or exams or reading materials. Unfortunately in our (Indian) society, taking a break is looked down so fiercely that mostly people end up just taking the next option that runs by without realizing if that’s what they really like to do. Well yes, you could do just that and maybe in the end write blogposts of how different your life could be or read the ones who decided to get out there and change their life. Well, for a change, let’s try to not catch the first fish that ran out of the flowing water?
Let’s begin things metaphorically.
If you don’t want to quickly catch the few fishes that you observe in the pond, you end up paying for it in the form of hunger. But you are not dead yet. I chose to wait for, not the next fish, but the type of fish that I really wanted, let’s say- much need. Now I don’t think that I knew exactly what fish I wanted and hence it was worth waiting, but sometimes you need the courage to be able to look at the fishes that come one after the other to be able to understand your options.
While I waited and waited for my dearest fish, other fisherman who came and went by with buckets and buckets of smaller fishes had a good laughter looking at my empty bucket. My bucket was bigger than theirs, yet still empty. Some how even if I don’t realise it myself, perseverance was something I’ve always had in my life. So I kept fishing, trying different types of fish and waiting long hours. Needless to say, my strength was backed by my family who have always been encouraging. My dad even emptied most of his savings to get me this glowing bucket that I always carried with me while fishing. My mom was never the one to give inspiring talks and put every emotions into words. But you could tell that she was the unshakable tree that will give you its shade forever. And of course my sister explained the realities of life in the most rude way possible. I read a lot and I also contemplate on past experiences, this made my inner strength tighten and worry at the same time.
I tried hard to look forward at my happiness that I will once achieve after the ‘fish of my dreams’ would be caught. The next step wasn’t easier. My fellow friend decided that he did not want to fish with me anymore.
It made me further question my dreams- am I blind-folded by the fact that I can do anything if I strive for it? Or am I focusing too much on fishing, long enough to abandon close ties?, am I fishing in the wrong lake? or even worse, am I too female enough to fish?
It’s hard to kick aside these thoughts when the derivations from where it comes are the people and surroundings that are close to you. I was sitting there, lonely on a dark night, holding onto the fishing rod- tightly within my palms as tears rolled down my eyes. The sky was clear- the stars shone bright with it’s reflection on the lake where I have now spent almost a year. My hands were weary, I could tell. Weak enough to drop the rod any moment. I could have used some company, but many worldly examples told me again and again and again that I cannot aim for a big fish and have good company at the same time.
I still remember that night- empty bucket, me and the gleaming stars. My sister was still rude- but she still visited me often. We spoke about uncertainties some days and then other days we were so certain that the biggest of all fishes- something more dreamy than the fish of my dreams is much closer than I assumed it to be. I was clearly below rock bottom, but definitely above hope. That’s a line I would not want to cross. I went to the lake day after day- tried different food, different techniques, but today was just like yesterday- with an empty bucket. But I noticed that as days passed by, the thread tied to my rod shook once in a while, like something would try to grab on to the hook and then swim away. I read more about ways I could do this differently and finally one night- after having read a series of different ways and putting together a technique I thought was the best based on a list, I walked towards the lake with nothing but hope- and my empty bucket.
It took quite few moments before I felt my rod being pulled. I could sense my stomach acting differently along with my chest hurting a bit. Maybe euphoria? I don’t know yet. I stood up and held the rod a bit more firm and pulled it up with all the might I ever had. There came the fish- the fish of my dreams- hooked onto the end of my rod. I flipped it onto my bucket, which is now not empty but just too small. I was happy, I was hopeful, I couldn’t believe but it was also true, that I have the fish that I always wanted. But it took me two years.
The bucket now was a bit heavy to carry. I had anticipated it, but always thought that maybe someone (maybe a friend?) would help me. As I was trying to drag the bucket off the shore, I saw in the distance- a man with a similar fishing hat as mine (even the weariness of it). From the sight of his clothes and the grip on his bucket I could tell that he had strived for what he had as well. I looked at him, he looked at me and before I could look back again at my bucket, he was already holding one side of it. It was one of those moments that had to be lived- so I held on to the other end and we were on our way. I told him stories of my life. I mentioned by darkest insecurities. I mentioned every one of my inspiration and also why I strived all along for this one fish.
In a vast town where people just walked away with buckets of small fishes, he understood my belief and stood by it.
“He saw me for what I am and more importantly the way I saw myself- fearless.”
- Swe
Picture Courtesy: Google Images
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