With the way the modern world has evolved we have all become busy with so many things. Not just busy with work but also busy having fun. It’s called work life balance when you try to give equal importance for both. But that also makes you busy in both fronts. With meetings and vacation trips likewise.
Our family is no exception. My mom and dad live in India where they are enjoying their post retirement-like life by doing things that keeps them busy. They travel between different cities to accommodate social invitations and responsibilities. My dad shifted his focus to agriculture from software engineering and that keeps my parents busy in a town that’s far from home. It’s their new home now. My sister lives in the US with her family. She is an oncologist who is finishing her final year in training. Training comes with long working hours. I did over 60 hours/ week sometimes as a PhD student and her schedule is for over 80. Crazy. For the past seven years our family stayed together by mostly traveling to see her in the US because she was the one with a schedule was not flexible. I was busy but my vacations were at my disposal. Besides it was 10 hours of flight time for me west or east- to see my sister or parents. So I always flew. My parents flew. When my sister could, she flew.
Two years ago, when she became pregnant, I decided I needed to show up. Doesn’t matter if the Atlantic Ocean and a busy scientific career laid inbetween. I planned four weeks of vacation- one that was long enough to cover the pregnancy time and the birth of my nephew. I got a few days together with her during her pregnant times. We did glucose tests and workouts together. Even better was after my nephew was born. I had baby sitting duty for hours when he would sleep. I recorded his micromovements and sent updates to her every time. I fed him with a bottle. I sat next to her when her hormones caused mood swings. I worried about her when she was undergoing postpartum pain. I didn’t want her to go through it without family understanding. Not just me, but all of the close family was around.
Over time and again it was always understood that she was the busy one with a difficult schedule. And that was every bit true. When I first moved to Europe, my entire family visited me. I remember her saying after the trip..”When you can’t come to family, family comes to you!” That stuck with all of us so we always showed up for each other whenever we can. Even if that was flying to the US for just one week. Or one week t0 India because my mom was turning 50. Finally, it was time for my wedding. Whenever we talked about this, we always said as a family that my sister will try hard to make it but since a wedding would require keeping several people’s schedule in mind, we should be fine if she cannot make it. It was always hard for me to accept it. I couldn’t imagine her not being around my wedding. With me on the stage, the hair and makeup, enjoying the food, meeting all the people etc. Since we planned my wedding extremely in advance, we were able to find dates that fit perfectly with her schedule. In fact, she was the first one from the abroad community to book tickets to the wedding. Even before the bride and groom ;).
A week before the journey she found out that leaving the US while an application for a change of visa type is in process is absolutely advised against. We were shocked and sad but soon rationalized that in the big scheme of things it’s not worthy enough to let go of what one has worked for just for a trip to a wedding. It was very disappointing for me but I couldn’t express it because I also knew the rational thing to do would be to not risk it. She asked recommendations on what to do from a few lawyers and most advised against making the trip. By now I was so used to her not being there around little progresses and events in my life. This was tough but I told myself, her situation is always complicated and this was to be expected. She, however, in a day or two after thinking a lot informed us that she was coming. We were happy but also did not want her to jeopardize her career. So we asked her if it will be okay. She said, “If it doesn’t, I’ll just have extended holidays!”. It told me that she decided to come not because the risk was less but because she realized the value of her presence in my wedding and knew the importance of it. She was doing it more for herself and in turn for all of us. We were all very happy and wished that the visa process in India for her to go back will go well.
We all arrived in India more than a week before the wedding. I could finally introduce my partner to her. All of us spent a lot of time together. These connections were important to me. My nephew had enough time not just to overcome the initial inhibitions, but to goof around with us the entire trip. He knows us too well, at least for now. Unimaginably so, my sister was there for my dentist appointments and we walked the streets of T. Nagar for hours drinking tender coconut and fruit juices from shops we can only pray was hygienic. We enjoyed every bit of it like old times. Like 15 years ago. We were very different people back then and went on to do different things but everything seemed the same when we were recollecting those memories in the streets of Chennai. I enjoyed her presence throughout the wedding. While getting ready, while she had to bring hot water and tissues to the extremely sick bride- I enjoyed having a big sister. My nephew had a lot of anxiety with large crowds and was clinging to his mom the whole time. She tried to balance her role but the kid needed his mom. After the celebrations she apologized to me about not being there, on stage, all the time, to take care of me. I told her this:
“I know I’ve always been the one who shows up for most parts of our adult life. But you cleared all of that debt when you stepped on that flight to India. There was nothing more that was needed. You showed up. Everything else I got during the trip was additional and I cherish each and every moment of it. There’s nothing to be sorry for!”
She was scheduled to leave 3 days before me. She could not take off because there was no news about the visa. A huge part of me felt responsible and the I could not shake off the feeling that I probably was a bit selfish in wanting her to show up for the wedding. Even though that meant abruptly ending a part of her career she worked hard to get. A week ago, she finally got her visa. The process was delayed by 2 weeks but everything went well. She is flying tomorrow. I can feel the happiness for it’s a lot of luck that everything went well. A happy memory stayed as a happy memory.
One might argue that she must have not made this trip if it was extremely risky. I think most of us would’ve taken the hard decision to not do it. In fact, being absent in a wedding would have not mattered after a few years while a break in career might have. BUT, you need to ask yourself what is important for you. If the memory of not being there for your own sister’s wedding will haunt you more than discontinuing a training in Stanford, you get on that flight and you leave. We rarely realize the importance of family and often mix it with our professional goals. It’s tough to make these decisions. Whatever you make, you have to live with it. One thing to remember is, in this mortal amazing but a tough life, where do you find your permanence… for me it’s family and therefore, I will show up. It was my sister’s too.
Have a safe flight girl and go be a nerd,
Swe
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