I am a scientist by profession and naturally belief in facts and rational processes form a huge part of how I perceive life. But I am also human. Sometimes I believe there is a causative relation between two unrelated events just like most people. For example, my mom believes Team India will win a cricket match if she does not watch until the end and hurries to bed for the last five overs. I have heard many people do this. I must say she was almost always right. Although the rational brain knows there is no direct relation between the two events, we certainly feel better when it happens that way. The belief grows stronger when it happens again, and then again. I personally have some beliefs like that too. But I never put those thoughts above my rational decisions ever mainly because I like explanations. Even when something goes wrong. While most people are fine to accept that it was God’s plan or it was fate, I prefer to understand why something went wrong and confront the blatant truth even when I am at fault. At least most times. But that does not stop my brain from making these unrelated correlations.
The last three to four years shaped both my personal and professional life. There were big conclusions, decisions and changes that were carefully thought-out but nevertheless, not fully controllable. Professionally, it involved finishing a PhD and figuring out what’s next. Personally, I was trying to meet new people to (hopefully, and yes I did!) find a life partner. The stress that both of these events bring- especially together- is unfathomable. In early 2021, I was beginning to have a bit of success on the dating front, got a chance to meet several boys (unfortunately not many men :P) that eventually did not lead anywhere. These were disappointing times. At that time, I had just been offered an opportunity to continue research where I was, that involves starting a different project and learning new things. I also finally got the green flag from my supervisor to finish writing my PhD thesis and graduate. It was exciting times at work and helped me cope with the downhill I was facing in my personal life. A couple of months later, COVID lockdown and exhaustion wrecked my PhD thesis writing phase and it did not go as well as I planned. It was disappointing. During that time, I began to talk to a guy who was quite sensible in the initial phase, giving me hope that there could be men out there with whom I can have a meaningful conversation with (please don’t fixate on the generalization here ;)). I began to see a pattern where when my work life was great, personal life began to take a hit and when life was catching up something became disappointing at work.
The PhD graduation went well and I got some much needed rest. The year 2021 was finally getting better. Later that year, I met a guy with whom I started talking with, over the phone, because we lived in different countries. He was the first guy with whom I continued a conversation over 2 weeks. He seemed sensible and had a good perception and I felt like this could go somewhere. In the meantime, I had applied for a fellowship over the summer which I eventually got, and this gave me an opportunity to be involved with several postdoctoral scientists across different disciplines. It fed my nerd thirst and the feeling of doing something different after my PhD. For the first time in several years, it felt like both personal and professional life were starting to take off together. I was happy. Eventually came the thought that “shouldn’t one of it go down while the other is going up? Or is it the time when such a pattern breaks because it does not make sense anyway?” I rationalized these thoughts and gave my best in both fronts but the constant feeling that what if one of it has to go wrong because that’s what always happens was hard to shake off. Eventually, for all the right reasons, I ended it with the guy I was in touch with and my mind voice, without remorse, told me
“I told you so!”. I mean, even Emily’s boyfriend in Emily in Paris backed out when her life started to pick up!
By now, my faith was stronger that only one will go well at a time. Never both.
The next few months of 2022 was very busy. I did an online mini-MBA course with Rutgers University in the US. It was an amazing experience to think and talk money, and understand how pharmaceutical companies operate. Being an academic scientist, these perspectives were very different. I lost interest in meeting new guys, and the few times I gained back the faith it did not go well anyway. I rejected a few. I faced a rejection (fairly so). I felt heartbroken- but with no absolute reason. My personal life was at its low, work life was great! Perfectly in line with my belief that these two unrelated processes oppose each other.
In summer that year, I met my husband. From our very first conversation, it was none like any other guy I had met these last years. We found out in the first couple of weeks that we want the same things out of life. In the next months, we found out that we are so much alike in core values and had similar perspectives. The more we got used to each other, we found out that our daily practices are very different and always held mutual respect to accept that in each other. We were adults after all. We were both rational ones. During the initial phase of dating him there were always small instances where I would think “ah! Work is going well, and I love how the personal front is leading… but what will happen?”. Eventually those thoughts faded away. A year after our first meeting, we decided to get married to each other. It is one of the best decisions I made so far. Around that time, I went for a conference to the US, and finally the research I started after my PhD was gaining momentum and we decided to send out a part of it for publication- a big milestone as a researcher after my PhD.
Publications processes are long and difficult, sometimes with no fault of the authors. We started it. It took a couple of months before we got our initial reviews from other scientists which was longer than average waiting times. The reviews were partially positive with some considerable work required as well. As I began to do them and in parallel organized several things for the wedding- the stress started to multiply. During the most tiring of days, I wondered how all of this will end. I trusted my husband, so I was worrying about my research and the possibilities of publishing it… because only one has to go well, right? Fast forward a few months and in the last week of January 2024, a week before we were going to fly for the wedding, the manuscript came back with a second round of revisions (very unusual and never seen it so far, atleast for my peers). Seeing that email blocked any rational thought process and made me wonder why, when at the rim of being accepted for a publication, would the process reverse to a previous step. The only way to explain it was “Only one has to go well. Either work or personal life!”. That was the week I was moving from a place that was my home for 7,5 years. So I had a lot of big things in my mind. My last proper vacation was the previous autumn, so naturally I was also exhausted.
In the last week before flying to India I, 1) moved and unpacked in my new home 2) performed experiments and resubmitted my research manuscript and 3) prepared a whole bunch of things for the wedding. I made it till the end. I did not worry about what the reply for the resubmitted manuscript would be. I was going to India. I was going to get married. I didn’t care because I knew whatever it is at work, it will wait for me when I come back.
February 13th, 2024
Ten days into my trip to India it was Mehendi day. The process started around 11am (ended at 6pm) and slowly as the beautiful designs grew, I was becoming paralyzed in a way that the usage of my limbs were reduced so as to not to disturb the designs. It tested my patience. The product was beautiful but I don’t think I am ready for a day of immobility again any time soon :’). In the middle of the afternoon, when the patterns in my hands started to dry I gained use of my fingers- of course to first check my phone. I saw a message from my supervisor. I instantly knew what it was about. And there it said the words “the manuscript is pre-accepted!”. Pre-“Accepted”! It went through. Finally, after 6 months! I was happy, very happy. Told a few family members who knew what it would mean. It was a great day. The next day was Valentine’s Day when our formal engagement happened and a day later, we were married!
Two rare events in life happened within a span of two days. It broke a pattern I believed in for over four years. I am not too surprised by it because there was no rational connection between these two paths- but my mind believed it and therefore, I did. It is normal for us to make these connections because when we try very hard to achieve things and it does not go as planned, our mind tries to find connections and meaningless reasons as coping mechanisms. It is very important to know that these feeling are irrational and not make important decisions based on those. Anyway, in all honesty, I would not have written this if the pattern was not broken.
How long does it take usually? For such beliefs to be broken? Only time will have to answer.
Taking life as it comes,
Swetha Ananth
(I had the train of thoughts for this piece for a while and finally wrote it on the way to work, in the train. I have been writing articles in the train for over ten years now. I used to write it when I was on the way to Chennai from Coimbatore where I went to do my Bachelors degree as a teenager. A lot changed in life but turns out some things never do :) As I click publish on this post, got an email of full acceptance of the manuscript. Yay!)
Link to my scientific article: doi: 10.1016/j.celrep.2024.11394
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